It turns out Ol' Dutch was right. The economy does trickle down after all. We have all become recipients of the trickling. You see, some years ago, a brilliant group of investment bankers and financiers in Lower Manhattan invented a series of complex equations designed to capitalize on risky lending. Subsequently, some Math happened. As we have all learned, Math has consequences. For me, the consequence of Math was the inability to find gainful employment, resulting in a one-way ticket to the suburbs of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
I am 28 years old.
I am a lawyer.
I now live with Mom.
Thus begins my temporary (indefinite?) exile from my transplanted home in Washington, D.C., the city I have grown to both passionately love and despise. I'm a politico. The bulk of my friends are in D.C. I can't practice law anywhere but in Maryland. Not living in D.C. is difficult for a guy whose blog is titled "The D.C. Diaries". Difficulty aside, mindful self-reflection is often thought to be the best medicine for what ails us. The enlightened response to my exile would be to settle into serenity and allow the currents of life to carry me in whatever direction they please. I could lose myself in the moment, sacrifice my worries on the altar of the Universe...
...or...
...I could harness the piss and vinegar percolating in the depths of my soul and figure out a way to break loose from my captivity.
I could be just like Napoleon.
Napoleon Bonaparte is a fascinating character study. L'empereur is also an appropriate model for me to emulate over the coming weeks and months. Napoleon, hereinafter referred to as "Nap", is perhaps the most beloved (or least reviled) malevolent dictator since Alexander the Great. The reasons for this are complicated and wreak of moral duplicity. I suspect that his relatively sympathetic portrayal in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure may have something to do with it. You can't very well take Hitler to a water park, can you?
Nap's crimes against humanity notwithstanding, the man's resolve is admirable. He had seven siblings. He spoke with a thick Corsican accent that earned him the ridicule of his French classmates. He was probably dyslexic and autopsies suggest he stood no taller than 5'2". Nonetheless, he quickly rose through the ranks of Robespierre's military and, despite turmoil and arrest, came to declare himself the Emperor of France and conquered large swaths of Europe. He was the cock of the walk, a young nobody who reached the pinnacle.
Then, there was mutiny. Forced to sign the Treaty of Fontainebleau after devastating wartime losses, Nap was exiled to Elba, a small island in the Mediterranean. As a consolation prize, however, Nap somehow retained the title of Emperor. This was no mere ceremonial title. The dude actually governed Elba, issuing regulations, developing mining and agriculture, and building a small army and navy. Though technically in exile, he didn't act it. He kept his eye on the French throne he once abdicated, and eventually returned to re-claim it.
In this respect (and this respect only), Nap is my inspiration, my muse. I am neither short nor dyslexic but, like Nap, I overcame numerous obstacles to claim my "throne" in Washington. Having been momentarily deposed, I must do as he did and spin the Math back in my favor. Nap never really learned to spell, but his teachers pegged him early on as a math whiz. In this sense, Nap was calculating. When the time was right, he escaped from exile and took back what was (completely not) rightfully his. While waiting to retake France, though, he settled for dominion over Elba.
So I begin working out my own Math to counter the Math that put me here, in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, on the outskirts of Philadelphia. While I lie in wait to escape and conquer, I can at the very least play fort and rule the City of Brotherly Love with an iron fist and an aluminum laptop. Nothing to fear, readers. I will return. In the meanwhile, you all can join me as together we build our very own Napoleonic Complex.
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